Blesok no. 99, November-December, 2014
Prose


Their conversations

Frosina Stojkovska



Relationships


Kiksi,
     Darling, I’m sorry I haven’t been writing lately, I’ve completely lost my mind. You have no idea how much easier I would have it if you weren’t in that stupid Germany with those Nazis. What are you doing there anyway, would you please come back already, please! It’s not the same writing an e-mail, it’s pointless talk. I mean, yes, it will be a relief to tell you everything, I agree, mostly because I can arrange my crazed thoughts, it would be therapeutic, but still, imagine how great it would be at our place with coffee and a pack or two or three of smokes, hehehe.
    A while ago I felt an astonishing attraction to a woman!!! My God Kiks…It feels weird even writing about this…the girl is the girlfriend of Ivan’s best friend. The guy is a hundred percent closet gay, but nevermind. I actually promised myself this would be only my secret, but I have such a big mouth…I somehow thought there’s something very beautiful in keeping at least one thing that happened in my life mine, only for me. But it’s bigger than me, what can I do? I have to share it.
     One of the problems with feeling attracted to her was that she felt the same way and some time ago we went to a hotel together to figure out what was going on and what we wanted. We never got out of bed…I felt like a kid in a candy store…I don’t know if it was the fact that it was forbidden or that it was the first time I felt that way for a woman, but something had made it the best night in my life. We agreed that no one should ever know…
     Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t even dream of breaking up with Ivan, I love him more than anything. I did fall in love, yes, you know me, no one falls for people more easily…But my love for her was different than my love for Ivan. Different than any love. I had two parallel loves. Not only because they happened at the same time, but also because just like two parallel lines, they don’t share a single common point in the entire universe.
     I know you must be thinking come on man, big deal, so what if it’s a woman, but it’s not like that…This whole situation has got me so confused.
      Do you remember in elementary school, we were around 10, I think, a group of kids from our neighborhood saw the older kids spin a bottle and kiss each other and we went behind the white apartment buildings, near that pillar that I told you still has that clumsy “graffiti” of yours that you made with nail polish, and that was the first of the thousand times you played that game, and I always “accidently” came late with the excuse that my folks made me do something again, but the truth was I hated that game, understandable, right? When the bottle started spinning, after a few kids kissed, some of them even explained that tongues should be used – just like in the movies, I felt so sick to my stomach that I wanted to run away, but then the bottle spun in my direction and when I saw Oliver at the other end, I got shivers all over my body. I thought everyone could see how I felt, I thought I’d faint, I was scared out of my wits. If you remember, at that moment someone started insisting that we kissed, those were the rules and we did. When I came back to my spot, while everybody was screaming in laughter and shouting: “queers, fags, queens”, Oliver was spiting and pulling faces, but you looked at me and saw that I had a hard on. The look you gave me, I don’t know if it was astonishment, shame or incomprehension, but to this day I think of that look whenever I feel embarrassed about something. Now, since I’ve actually written this down, this situation seems exasperatingly ridiculous, and not only did I think I’d die then, so I was avoiding you for I while, a few days that is, we couldn’t exactly avoid one another then…but to this day I feel embarrassed whenever I think of this, although everybody I know on this world knows I’m in a relationship with a man.
     That night, for the first time, I thought I was different than everyone around me and that it would never change no matter how hard I tried. I used to think that the fact I found guys more pleasant to look at than girls, you know, I thought Brendon was prettier than Brenda and so on was not only like when you think some song is prettier than another or some picture is more pleasant to the eye than another. I am not quite sure if I can explain what that whole thing was for me, but when I was a kid I thought of it as of something quite normal, as if everyone around me were the same. First, when my parents’ friends would ask me “do you have a girlfriend from kindergarten?”, I thought that the man + woman couples existed so that when they have children the mother would take them to kindergarten on Mondays, and the father on Tuesdays, then when I got a bit older and understood what the mothers and fathers were actually doing I thought sex was something parents had to do, like going to work or taking out the trash, but I kinda thought (or hoped) that when they went fishing or something the fathers were looking at each other’s naked bodies and touching each other, I thought that wasn’t sex, that was something else, something normal, something you didn’t have to do but wanted to, heheheheh.
     When that thing with the bottle happened and everybody reacted the way they did to me kissing Oliver, I realized that wasn’t exactly the case. And now, I was attracted to a woman…Never before had I liked a woman like that…
     It’s stupid that I can’t share the most intensive thing that has ever happened to me with Ivan. It was the first time that I felt that kind of freedom while being with another person in the same room. You have no idea how we connected…How can something so beautiful have such a potential to hurt someone? And this beautiful thing is hurting me the most. Is it possible that I’m attracted to women too? Where did that come from?
     Should I feel guilty for what happened? I don’t know if I could sit at the same table with Ivan’s friend, especially with her! Maybe I should be happy that for a few nights of my life I felt something stronger that any drug, more passionate that any sex and more touching than any story I’ve ever heard. God, I can’t believe how alive I feel…I’m somehow very, very happy. What a mess, huh babe?
     What do you think?
     All I know at this moment is that I don’t know how to be like I was before, I don’t remember what I used to be like, I don’t remember myself from before, what it feels like to exist in a world in which those couple of days never happened. I know Ivan will know something isn’t right… I don’t know what to do. What do you think?
     Oh my, what a long e-mail… enough reading for now! I’ll write again in a couple of days, after I get my shit together, and I’ll tell you how everything happened and I’ll let you know what the first meeting was like after it happened…
     Oh, I almost forgot to tell you this: this girl knows you, we talked about you too, we really opened up, I’ve never talked more freely and openly with anyone before, because I felt really relaxed…It turns out that in elementary school she had a crush on your cousin, that guy that used to be a punk rocker, who knows what he’s up to now, they went to school together and you two met on his birthday at his house, she remembers you, she said she thought you were pretty cool.
     Write to me soon!!!
    
     I love you,
     Gorjan.




Illusions


1 new msg
     Maya uni mobile:
     Babe, wanna hang out tonight? That friend of yours, the artist, what’s his name, is he single?
    
     1 new msg
     Sonja A. mobile:
     Hey, sure, I’m in. Name’s Comic, he’s got nothing serious, single.
    
     1 new msg
     Maya uni mobile:
     I soooo like that guy. Is he hooking up with that friend of yours, Robin? We’ll talk later. Call you back in a couple of hours.
    
     1 new msg
     Sonja A. mobile:
     No way. K, call me later.




Lies


For fuck’s sake, I can’t believe this…what did I tell you? Paranoia, huh? Don’t know where to start…
     Remember when we were at that bar with that awesome picture, I keep forgetting what it’s called, fuck it, that winter a couple of years ago I think, when you and I went to get smokes, but all the stores around were closed, so we had to walk around for more than an hour? Don’t know if you remember, anywho, while we were freezing our asses off on the snow, at some point Maya put her foot in her mouth in front of Gorjan about the situation with that guy, what’s his name, the dude that beat the crap out of her, when she lost her baby. I can see exactly what that went like, as usual she made herself a victim, so special, etc. If I got it right, Gorjan at that point felt big-as-your-mammas-ass attraction to her and since then he got so obsessed with her depth and uniqueness that he lost all ability to think of anything else. Like before that he never saw her as a sexual creature…Tell that to your grandma! I remember like it was yesterday, you motherfucker, I told you then something was wrong. But nooo, noo, it’s all in your head, all is fine. Ivan’s trippin`, like always, fuck my ears I’m trippin`, dickhead. Plus, when we got back, I remember they were real quiet and they wouldn’t say what’s up, allegedly they dozed off waiting…We’re all blind, my mind’s blown. A couple of days later the bumped into each other who knows where, like accidentally, but I wouldn’t bet on it, and I don’t know exactly how and what happened, but I can see it as bright as day, some time after that night out, both of them went on a business trip, so you and I went out alone after a thousand years and laughed our butts off that they had to work hard and we were partying. Well fuck me, they did work. The worked each other real hard, fucking cutthroat bastards.
     I don’t know what to think or do, I’m dead serious. On the one hand I want to strangle the motherfuckers or make them a cuppa good morning coffee with a twist – poison, some slow and efficient and preferably extremely painful and while they are dying we burn their favorite things or people, whatever, or we take them to that wacko that beat up everybody in the neighborhood! On the other hand, I don’t give two fucks, I even think I pretended to myself that I was jealous, I think every atom of passion I had for him got spent after all the crap we’d been through, and you might think when you go through so much with someone nothing could extinguish your love. My ass. But then again, I totally get them, I do. Their mating makes perfect sense to me. I’ve before seen such a couple of selfish creatures. Let alone their capacity to invent lies and bullshit. Maybe I should get the hell out. But then there’s you guys, I can’t imagine you two not being a couple. I remember I used to get upset before, when you two hooked up, because I didn’t see you as often and even less alone, but now I don’t know, I guess I got used to it…Although, I mean, you’ve always known what I think of her. You can do so much better man, but I won’t do anything before I talk to you, don’t worry.
     Get this, this is how I found out: Don’t know if I told you but here at work we have a new girl, a complete wacko, although she’s not really new anymore, been working together for over a year now. Anywho, I went to get a cuppa coffee on my break earlier and we made small talk and from what she told me I realized she’s the chick that Gorjan keeps mentioning, Kiks, that’s his BFF since ever, that later moved who knows where, so they only talked online, she goes by the name Kiki in the office, so you know me, I wanted to squeeze something juicy out of her, I didn’t tell her I know him, so I start manipulating her into talking about him, like I’m so desperately fascinated by their “friendship” and the bimbo told me everything, LOL, found just the right person, little brat! Listen to this, he knew he was gay since he was a kid, she did too. But we’ve talked about this a fuckload of times, you know, I’ve told you. No, he didn’t always like sucking, he had a girl in high school, my ass he had a girl, except maybe for Miss Righty Hand, I knew he hasn’t laid eyes on anyone else, but okay. Fine, except for maybe your girlfriend. Screw it.
     That’s that bro …gotta go get some work done, that idiot boss of mine keeps staring at me under his glasses.
     What do you say? We gonna pretend we don’t know shit? Or should I start plotting murder?
     Call me later if you wanna hang. Bye, Ivan




Realizations


Maya: Robs, dude, u there? Please be there, please be there.
     You: Hey, I’m here, working on something, going to see Kiko later, he has something to tell me.
     You: :D
     Maya: Gosh, I have something to tell u 2, u got time/
Maya: ?
     You: was he with u yesterday?
     You: Go on, I’ll go get sth to eat and I’ll read.
     Maya: K.
     Maya: dude, gotta tell ya something, but u can’t spread it around!
     Maya: kiko wasn’t with us.
     You: say it.
     Maya: remember when comic broke his hand, two years ago?
     You: yup
     Maya: well shortly before that, i cheated on him.
     You: dude why r u telling me this, what the fuck’s wrong with u? why u enjoy putting ppl in this position?
     Maya: C’mon Rob, thought we were friends?
     You: u know perfectly well that Ivan, Kiko and Sonja r my friends. If I tell one the other one will know, and how long do u think it would take for Comic to find out? I’ve never held anything from them.
     Maya: God, fine, forget it.
     You: Can’t forget it, but it’s cool.
     Maya: look I thought I could tell u. sorry.
     You: u’ve already started, finish it. Who with? Someone I know?
     Maya: screw it, I can’t.
     You: go fuck urself, tell me, don’t piss me off.
     Maya: i can’t.
     You: Maya pls don’t piss me off! Finish the story, be back in five!
     Maya: Look, something happened yesterday but now that u’ve mentioned ur friendship with ivan I don’t know if I should tell u…i kinda thought I was ur friend too.
     Maya: message deleted.
     Maya: message deleted.
     Maya: btw u should’ve come, the party rocked, we got so shitfaced.
     Maya: forget it, we’ll talk some other time.
     You: since when r u my friend for fuck’s sake? U think I didn’t know what u’ve been doing to Comic since ever? U think I don’t know there’s sth btwn u and Gorjan? U think we r all idiots? U think I don’t know Sonja’s regretting inviting u to hang out with us a couple of years ago? U think I don’t know all ur trashtalk? What do u think? U think I have to keep my mouth shut like everyone else? Get off my back. U have sth to tell me, please. Or else bye.
     Maya: Wow Rob, where did this come from?
     You: Maya please, don’t act the victim here, if the next thing u say isn’t the story u were going to tell me, don’t bother talking.
     Maya: K. I won’t.
     You: Didn’t expect any better, friend. G’bye.
     Maya: u wanna know?
     You: don’t give a fuck, I know what kindda person u r, nothing can surprise me. Maybe it’ll be easier on ur conscience, though it won’t change what I think of u.
     Maya: wow, i honestly didn’t expect this…
     You: what did u expect? To not know of all ur bullshit? To turn a blind eye to the schemes u been pulling since u appeared?
     Maya: no. i didn’t expect this from u. i really like u, since always. I’ve never said a bad word, ask Comic…
     You: who cares…the problem is u’ve no idea what friendship is and that’s a fact.
     Maya: K, I’ll tell u.
     You: u don’t have to.
     Maya: but I want to, that’s why I wrote to u.
     You: As u wish.
     Maya: I want to tell u.
     You: Fine then, tell me.
     Maya: but do u wanna know?
     You: whatever.
     Maya: i’ll tell u.
     Maya: it’s true.
     You: Excuse me?
     Maya: what u’r thinking, it’s true.
     You: what am I thinking?
     Maya: that of me and gorjan.
     You: Maya, quit speaking in codes, spill it.
     Maya: about me and gorjan, that I cheated on Comic with Gorjan.
     You: Pffff, of course u did, I just didn’t want to tell Ivan I had doubts, I didn’t want to hurt him more, he has enough with all that bullshit he’s going through with Gorjan.
     Maya: sorry…
     You: Sorry what? Don’t sorry me, make sure Ivan doesn’t find out…I don’t get it, how could u be such jerks…u have no idea how much I want to go and tell Comic myself…but don’t worry, I won’t. How can u put me in this position! How can I hide something like this from Ivan?
     Maya: that’s what I wanted to tell u…they may already know…i think ivan knows…
     You: What the fuck r u talking about???
     Maya: …
     You: I’m going to kill you.
     Maya: i think he knows…
     You: what do u mean, he knows?
     Maya: I mean, judging by ivan’s behavior.
     You: What ivan’s behavior?
     Maya: i’was going to the bathroom yesterday and ivan follows me and says to me: hey babe did i tell you that gorjan’s friend, that kiki they’r hanging out since kids, she’s working with me. such a cool girl. so he says: i hear u have a crush on her cousin. and there’s no one the girl could find out from except gorjan, cuz i told him when it happened the thing that happened between us. i know gorjan wouldn’t tell him, cuz we promised each other we’d never tell anyone…and there’s no way he could tell something selectively, since that thing happened me and him haven’t talked to each other when the gang’s there, we always avoid being left alone and we give short answers to each other’s questions. I bet gorjan told her and the girl spilled the beans. plus after that i pretended to accidentally ask gorjan if he has seen his friend recently, like “her and ivan are colleagues now, huh?” but he had no clue, so there’s no way he could’ve said something.
     You: Karma…
     Maya: what?
     You: Karma! You r messing with ppl ur entire life, now some bimbo messed urs up. I don’t know what to tell u.
     Maya: forget it, sorry i mentioned it in the first place.
     You: brb
     You: I’m back
     You: Maya…not one person from the gang doubted something had happened between u and gorjan…except maybe Comic. It’s beyond me how he can’t see who’s he dating…u have a problem with him, don’t come taking to me…
     Maya: fine, u don’t have to be so mean.
     You: Mean??? I’m not being mean Maya, I’m being nice. I shouldn’t even be talking to you, but whatever.
     You: if i was evil i’d of told you to go to hell a long time ago. I’ve never been more wrong about anyone’s character…that is, I wasn’t wrong, Sonja was, but I trusted her with all my heart.
     Maya: Alright Robin, get it, I won’t talk to u anymore. bye
     You: About time.




Love:


Sonja Aleksovska:
     I had such a good time last night. Robs was right, huh?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     She was…She’ll suck me dry when she finds out.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     What do you mean when she finds out? We are telling her?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I don’t know Sonjita. Let’s not tell her for now, you know them, who’s going to listen to their preachings.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Look, I know, but Robs will be so mad…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I know but I kinda want this to be between us only.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Right, between us, just like Maya and Gorjan…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What, you have a boyfriend too?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     No, why, do you have one?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     hahahah
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     M?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Excuse me?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Do you?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahahah
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Stop laughing, answer me.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I don’t, I don’t. I’m not into guys.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Good to know. 
     And you, did you have a good time?
Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What kind of question is that?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
A question question. Why?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahahahahha
     I don’t know. It’s weird.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Why weird? It’s a regular question. We’ve known each other forever. Since I broke up with my ex everybody’s trying to set us up. Up until a week ago we couldn’t stop nagging at each other, and yesterday we had sex. The question seems quite appropriate to me.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I had a great time.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Really. Great.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What, you don’t like the answer?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Where exactly did you read that?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I didn’t have to read it, you’re a woman, I get it.
     And like you put it yourself, we’ve known each forever, my seeing you naked doesn’t change that fact.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Fuck you.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     My place or yours?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     There! I knew I’d regret this. You’re a jerk.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Regret what, I thought you said you had a good time?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     “You’re”, not “your”, learn your grammar.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahahahahahha
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     What’s so funny?
     It’s not funny, it’s cute.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     ?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Because of you’re perpetual attempts to correct my language and grammar when we fight.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     “Your”, not “you’re”…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
     Wanna meet up tonight?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Didn’t you reschedule yesterday with Robs for today?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     It’s ok, I’ll reschedule again.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     I bet she’ll call me when you blow her off…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     So you’ll reschecule too.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     And she’ll know…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     She can’t know if we don’t tell her.
     She can only guess.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Great…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What’s great? Are we meeting or not?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Honestly, after this chat, I’m not sure I want to anymore.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     But why? I thought you had a good time.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     That’s not it.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What do you mean?
     You had a good time,
     I had a good time,
     What’s the problem?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     The problem is you’re an ignorant bastard.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Sonjita! Your so mean!
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     OMG Kristijan! YOU A-R-E, not your!
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahahahahha
     Okay, you are very mean, miss Sonja.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     I’m dying of laughter.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     You were dying quite a bit yesterday…
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Yesterday I thought I was wrong about you.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Wrong about what?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     About you being a jerk.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     How did you come to the conclusion that I’m not a jerk yesterday but today you think I am?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Well probably because you wanted to have sex with me so badly that you turned into the world’s kindest person. Right?
     Nevermind, you don’t have to answer.
     I know what you’re going to say anyway.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     It’s not like that. Sonja…I don’t know how else to explain this to you, but obviously I need to spell it out for you. If I mess around with you that doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I didn’t enjoy last night. How could you not have realised in the lifetime that you know me that I absolutely love making fun of you, because you are so cute when you are mad?
     Is that what you expected me to answer?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     No.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     What then?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Nevermind. Nothing.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I know what you expected 
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Yeah right.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I did too.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     What did I expect?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     That I’d want to be a player and tell you
     To not flatter yourself
     That I wanted to have sex with you,
     That it was just like that, I would’ve done it with anyone. Right?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Maybe.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I know it,
     You don’t have to admit it.
     Ever since I’ve know you you think that no man in the world knows how to respect a woman.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Well isn’t it so?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     It isn’t.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Maybe it isn’t,
     but no one has ever
     shown me the contrary.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Come tonight, maybe I’ll show it to you 
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Damn it Kristijan!
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     The contrary, I meant.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     : )))))
     What about Robs?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Sonja…
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Yes?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I know all your insecurity is because I told you
     I didnt’ want to tell them.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     It’s “I didn’t want”.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Would you please shut up for a second? I’m trying to tell you something.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     I’m sorry, I can’t control myself.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Wow, that was honest. Thanks.
     Fine, I promise I’ll study grammar. Just for you.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Hahah, you’d do anything to see me naked again, huh?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Well…Alright, fine, I’ll be honest. Yes : )
     But also so you could realize once and for all.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Oh heavens, you nailed it!
     Realize what?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Nailed what?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     You said “realize”.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Fine, realise.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     I said you nailed it, dickhead, “realize” is correct. Realize wht?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     I’ll tell you tonight.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     If I come.
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     You will.
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     How do you know?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Did you get a SMS?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Excuse me?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Check your cell!
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     : ) Anything to see me naked, I know! What does Robs have to do now?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahah, why, what did she say?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Hang on, let me copy the message.
     She says: You cow, why didn’t you tell me you and Kiko went out??????? (this is the exact number of question marks!). He finally admitted that he’s in love with you. I’ll kill you…now I have to reciprocate with something that I’m not exactly sure I want to do…
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     Hahahahahahha
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     What’s the deal, what does she have to reciprocate with?
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     You’ll find out soon.
     Same time same place?
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Until then and there. : )
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     So at 9 at Record : )
     Sonja Aleksovska:
     Bring a notebook if you want to see me naked!!!!!
     Kristijan Kristijanovski:
     hahahahahahah




Pain


1 new msg
     Kristijan:
     Come at Ivan’s, we are all here…Are you still at the hospital with Maya?
    
     1 new msg
     Sonja:
     I can’t move, please come get me. Maya is still asleep, she’ll be fine…I don’t ever want to see her again…




Friendships


1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     Robs, can’t make it tonight either. Tomorrow!
    
     1 new msg
     Roby:
     Tonight either? I just talked to Maya, looks like Ivan knows about her and Gorjan. The cow thinks we are stupid or blind…Tell me what u were going to, in short! Please! It bugs me! And quit calling me Robs!
    
     1 new msg
     Hahha, that’s what I was gonna tell ya. Yup, Ivan def knows. Comic told me!
     1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     Nope, not yet. I wanted to tell ya about Comic, don’t trip.

     1 new msg
     Robin:
     Oh honey! Cool, we’ll talk in a couple of months, when u come to announce u r going to propose to her!

     1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     Deal, when u admit u have a crush on Comic. :DDDD

     1 new msg
     Robin:
     Cut the crap, asshole!

     1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     Don’t get upset honey! But it’s time…You know I love you! If I admit it, will u too?

     1 new msg
     Robin:
     If you finally come to your senses, I’ll even admit to killing someone if u want me to :D

     1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     So at 9 at Record, right?

     1 new msg
     Robin:
     I thought we weren’t going out, fucktard!

     1 new msg
     Kiko mobile:
     Whoa Robsy, sorry!!! Mistake. Talk to u tomorrow! LY.
     1 new msg
     Robin:
     Alright hon. U r up to something, I know!!! Love u too!




Letters


I don’t know how to begin this…a lot has happened since you passed away. I know it’s moronic to write you an e-mail. I don’t even know what happens with the e-mails to people that don’t exist anymore, does someone cancel them, and who would cancel yours…i don’t know…he told me it would be helpful to talk to you somehow…to say good bye to you in some way, to tell you what I think, how I feel…it is immensely idiotic, I know, don’t laugh at me, because if you can read e-mails, it makes sense that you can also see exactly what’s going on with us…still, that’s not why I’m writing to you.
     I’m writing to you to make a confession. do you remember those three days, our only trip together, the trip that changed the lives of many people. I fell in love with you on that trip. my entire being is aches that it wasn’t more than three days. that I didn’t have more time with you. there were so many things I wanted to tell you…to know about you…you are the only person I truly loved. the only person I didn’t want to make miserable in some way. the only one that truly meant something to me in this life. I would never forgive myself for doing completely the opposite…you, I managed to destroy you the most… when I told Robin before you passed away, she said karma…it was karma that people found out…karma…because I was scheming, now someone did the same to me…she was right…I told her via e-mail…I could barely make myself write to her…she hasn’t answered yet…i don’t even expect her to…he told me I have to ask everybody I think I’ve done wrong for forgiveness…I don’t deserve their mercy…karma…I wrote to her: it’s karma that the only person I loved died, I killed the only thing I never wanted to hurt…
     the night I came over I wanted to confess everything to you, instead of what I actually did…I couldn’t talk…I couldn’t tell you anything…my body was shaking from pain, from exhaustion, from the pills I took…I knew I was going to make things even more complicated, that I would hurt you even more. when I saw your eyes, so scared and full of light, the only good eyes I’ve ever seen, I knew I’d hurt you forever if you knew I took two bottles of pills because of you…that’s why I ran away. they shouldn’t have saved me…I should have died with you on the street…why didn’t it hit me? he says I mustn’t think like this. that I have to realize every life is worth living. what a bunch of crap, huh? god, how stupid this is…he is there to cure my madness, and the makes me talk to dead people over e-mail. will you answer me? will you write me an e-mail? will I ever find out if you loved me? is all of this worth it? should I kill myself anyway? tell me when you write to me from there somewhere, why, why shouldn’t I kill myself? why? maybe to (so I could) feel this pain…maybe I should feel this pain redeem myself for hurting you…
     …I hope no one has your password. he is definitely crazier than me. isn’t he?
     in case you really are reading this from somewhere…I hope you don’t hate me…
    
     I love you. forever,
     M.




Separations


Babe, I’m sorry I called you, I completely forgot you’re at work, you are, aren’t you? I’m worried! Call me…God, I have such a gigantic hangover, you have no idea. You can’t imagine what happened yesterday…that is, I don’t either. You know I had to finish the sketches for the poster so I was stuck at home and couldn’t go out so around 9 my phone rings and I see it’s Robs, I’m convinced she’d be talking me into going out, cuz that afternoon I found out Sonja and Kiko finally banged each other (thank god!!!!!) so I supposed they’d ditched her again. So I pick up and she says: “Comic, could you please come out for a minute?”, and I say: “Look Robs, I’m so over my head, I told you!” so she says: “Ok, sorry, bye” and she hangs up. So I stay like that phone in hand and I think someone must have died, cuz you know our Robin, if you say “no” to going out, you are immediately showered by speeches about how old and stale you’re getting that last at least 10 minutes. So I say fuck it, I’ll call her, we can share a smoke so I call her and tell her to come by, I go out, we sit on a bench and she doesn’t say a word. I say Hey Robs, you okay? She says yeah, yeah, sorry, I can’t do it. I say has anything happened? Should we kick someone’s ass? I’ll get Ivan right away, he’ll bitchslap the crap out of him with his purse, you know, to make her laugh, nothing! I say it’s definitely something serious. So I say to her: you need a hug? Not a word. I come near her, I hug her and we stay like that for about 5-6 minutes, she doesn’t speak, I don’t speak. Everything went through my head, a million scenarios: someone in her family died, she got laid off, she got robbed, raped…I make plans in my head who to call if we need to kill someone, where to put her up if her apartment burnt down, what to tell her if someone died and suddenly she turns to me and kisses me. So I’m like that, confused, stiff like a statue, she’s like a teenage girl, wetting my lips with her lips, my face with her tears. I get her off me abruptly and a thousand things race through my head, she squeezes out of my hands and kisses me again. And I’m with all these thoughts in my head, of her, of Maya, of your story about her and Gorjan…After who knows how long I step back and tell her: “Robs, what are you doing… Maya…”. So she starts sobbing and she says: “Kiko and Sonja are together” and she runs off, i'm sitting there petrified, I stay like that for ten minutes, a statue, and I don’t know what’s going on and my phone brings me to reality, I barely manage to place it on my ear, it’s Maya. She says we have to talk. I say nothing, she says I’m coming to your plce, I hang up. She comes by after a while and I’m still standing. She says what’s the matter with you. I say nothing. She says: “You know, right?”. She starts crying. Then has a laughing fit. “I didn’t want you to find out from others. As a matter of fact, I didn’t want you to find out at all. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know something was always missing. Neither one of us is happy. It was different with him. I think I’m in love with him. I’m not going to do anything anymore, I’m sorry. I hope you don’t hate me.”. The next thing I remember is drinking with some dude, never met the guy before. Then two or three images more. I think I saw you too. Did I? I think I called Robs too…Yup, I did, here I see it in my phone…God knows what I must’ve said…Maybe she didn’t pick up …I wake up this morning, I don’t know where I’m at. I see a girl making coffee. I say to myself Comic, you asshole, what have you done. She says I’m Biljana. You don’t remember anything from yesterday, do you? It was her boyfriend’s apartment, some Darko fellow, she says I got pretty hammered, blabbing something about some Maya and some Robs. I got into a fight with someone, I tried to hook up with some chick, I slammed a glass against the bar and I threatened that if they didn’t give me a bottle of vodka I’d set the bar on fire… I’d been crying and shouting – he’s dead, he’s dead… her and her boyfriend calmed me down and brought me to his place.
     Please call me when you can. I’ve no idea what’s going on…If I have it correctly – Maya broke up with me cuz she’s in love with Gorjan, Robs is mad at me, I don’t exactly know why, Kiko and Sonja finally hooked up, but I don’t get how that connects to me…who died? What’s going on???
     Oh God…Call me!!!




Guilt


Maya…
     I feel so sorry for you, despite that all those things I told you that day on Skype, just like you mentioned it yourself in your e-mail, I meant…That whole rage or whatever it was, is now transformed into huge, huge grief. Since all that with Gorjan happened, I see everything differently…There’s no need to ask for my forgiveness…but I won’t ever forget a single thing you did…
     The rest of the gang is OK, as OK as a person can be when something like this happens… We are with Ivan all the time, me and Comic have been living with him for a year now… Ivan’s the worst of everyone, probably, which is normal… It may be silly for me to tell you this, but you always want to know what’s going on with everybody – Comic and I are together… Sonja and Kiko are the most beautiful couple I’ve ever seen… They’re happy. It looks like they’re moving somewhere abroad… Maybe we’ll go too, I don’t know. I tried to convince Sonja to write to you, even it’s only something vicious, so she could make peace with herself… I think she needs time. Maybe it’s better if she didn’t write to you… You have your own reasons to nibble through the most beautiful things in the world.
     You know, as much as you want to say you’ve changed and you are a different person, still you think the world revolves around you… this was karma… Maya, I remember clearly the context in which I said this that day, don’t twist my words… To think that Gorjan’s dying is your karma, I don’t know if you can fall lower…
     We all blame our selves…Sonja blames herself for introducing you and Comic. She thinks if she hadn’t that thing that happened wouldn’t have happened…Comic thinks that if he didn’t got so hammered that night, he would’ve called you to talk and you wouldn’t have gone to Gorjan’s and he wouldn’t have run after you on the street… Ivan thinks if he had talked to him, instead of behaving like an asshole, because he knew about you two, everything would’ve turned out differently, Kiko thinks if he hadn’t been an idiot for taking so long to face the fact that he’s in love with Sonja, me and him would have met that night like we arranged to and we would’ve gone at Ivan’s to talk to him about you and Gorjan… And me… I think that if I didn’t go admit to Comic that I’m in love with him that night, he wouldn’t have been standing there petrified when you came to break up with him and maybe you wouldn’t have gone to Ivan and Gorjan’s so upset…
     Maybe it’s all our fault, Maya, maybe it’s you, maybe me… Maybe some of our actions resulted with his death, maybe all of our actions resulted with his death, maybe his actions resulted with his death… I don’t know… I only know that all that crap from that day now seems too distant and too trivial. And you, Maya, you go on with your drama … you wallow in the same mud, you still want to trap someone in your disgusting schemes that below all limits …everything’s changed but you… I feel sorry for you… you’ll always remain down there…
    
     With sincere pity,
     Robs.
    
Translated by: Olga Petan




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