Blesok no. 33, July-August, 2003
Theatre Play


Even worst things happen

Žarko Milenić



Dramatis personae


Bernard, 30
Lucija, 25
Edvard, 30
Alen, 20
Nina, 20
Martin, puppet, 25




… 1. ..


Bedroom. In the midlle of it a double bed. Besides it two cupboards. Big wardrobe closet. On the bed lie Lucija and Bernard. He is embracing her. She tears off and stands up.
BERNARD: What are you waiting for? Undress!
LUCIJA: I'll undress in the bathroom… (moves to the door)
BERNARD: In the bathroom? Should we do it there?
LUCIJA (turning back): Of course not. I'll take a shower.
BERNARD (disapointed): Shit.
LUCIJA: Can't you just wait a few minutes!
BERNARD: You could as well do it later.
LUCIJA: I want to wash off this sweat. After me, it's your turn. I can't stand the smell of my sweat. And particulary somebody else's!
BERNARD: But who can wait so long! Let's take the shower together!
LUCIJA: We tried that once. And than you were so hasty and we stayed there… Not there, I don't want any more!
BERNARD: Why? Are you saving water and feel sorry to use up so much?
LUCIJA: In bed it's much more comfortable. (opens the door) A bit more of patience won't hurt you. (closes the door)
BERNARD: Hell!
Walks around the room.
Outside, sound of breaking of the branch. Scream. Bang.
Bernard shakes. Quickly, he jumps under the bed.
Lucija rushes in, wearing a gown.
LUCIJA (looking around, calling): Bernard! Where are you, for god's sake?
BERNARD (under the bed): Don't shout.
LUCIJA: Hell, where are you?!
BERNARD: Under the bed. Don't shout I'm not deaf.
LUCIJA (peeps under the bed): What are you doing there?
BERNARD: I'm playing the role of a lover with bad luck. If you didn't go for a shower, we could have been finished by now!
LUCIJA: Did you hear the bang?
BERNARD: I've aleready told you I'm not deaf. Now I am dead shure to be beaten for something I haven't done. It serves me well for finding a lover on the second floor!
LUCIJA: Do you think it was my husband? (laughs) That he crushed the door? If so, he would be here by now.
BERNARD: We could do it in the first floor. There is a room and a bed, too. In that case, if jealous husband comes, I could easily jump out the window. Even without a hengalider…
LUCIJA: Stop talking nonsense. It can’t be him, no way. You know I called airport. They told me his plane went off.
BERNARD: With him or without him? You didn’t ask that.
LUCIJA: If he didn’t fly away, he would fly in here long time ago, if suspecting me to have a lover… But again, it could be him. Parachuting straight into the yard! (laughs.)
BERNARD: You think it's funny!
LUCIJA: Bernard, go out and see what happens!
BERNARD: You go. This isn't my house.
LUCIJA: Coward!
BERNARD: Shut up!
The door bell.
Lucija jumps startled.
BERNARD: Haven’t I told you it was he. Now my goose is cooked!
LUCIJA: It isn't him. He doesn't ring like this. As a matter of fact, he never rings.
Ringing.
BERNARD: He is realy impatient. And you made fun out of me!
Lucija exits leaving the door open. Her steps can be heard as she walks down the stairs. After a while, her and somebody else's steps. Enter Lucija and Alen, caring Martin on his back.
ALEN: Where should I put him, lady?
LUCIJA: On the bed.
BERNARD: No way!
ALEN (looking suprised at the bed): Sorry?
LUCIJA: Are you still here, Bernard?
BERNARD: Where else shoud I am?
LUCIJA: You could get out by now. This isn't him.
Bernard gets out. Full of wonder he stares at Alen, who stares back. Alen throws Martin on the bed.
ALEN (to Martin): I apologize, old friend, but you were heavy. I was sweating like a donkey carring you up here!
LUCIJA: Were? You are talking to him as if he is already dead.
BERNARD (to Lucija): Who are those, now?
LUCIJA: Bypassers.
ALEN (offering his hand to Bernard): Good afternoon. I am Alen.
BERNARD (not accepting the hand): Well, I am not so glad.
Alen is looking at bed and than at Bernard.
BERNARD: Just don’t ask me what I was doing down there!
Pause.
BERNARD: I can do whatever I want to. The bed is mine!
LUCIJA: Bernard!
BERNARD: And this room…
LUCIJA: Bernard!
ALEN: Are you not interested what happened to Martin?
BERNARD: Martin who?
ALEN: He broke a leg.
BERNARD: So, that was the cause of the bang?
ALEN: He was on the branch.
BERNARD: Did he saw it under himself?
ALEN: No. He didn’t have to. Branch was already rotten… Or maybe it was not rotten but just dried up…
BERNARD: What was he doing up the branch?
ALEN: Picking something, I suppose.
BERNARD: Picking? What could he pick?
ALEN: Don’t you know what sort of tree is that? Isn't the tree yours too?
BERNARD: Did he fall from the tree in this yard?
LUCIJA: He fell from the oak under the window.
BERNARD: Oak doesn’t bear fruits. At least, not edible.
ALEN: Fruit of the oak is an acorn. Boars are eating them. Even the pigs wan't pass them by.
BERNARD: I don’t keep pigs, specialy not boars!
ALEN: If you don’t have money for the coffee, you can make it out of acorns.
BERNARD: Than that wouldn’t be the coffee.
LUCIJA: Enough of nonsense. We have to do something!
ALEN: Do you got the phone?
LUCIJA: In the corridor.
Alen exits.
BERNARD: Why the hell did you let them in? They could hichike. Everyone would take an injured man to the hospital!
LUCIJA: He rang. I tought it was him… You know whom Eduard.
Bernard frowns.
LUCIJA: I appologize. I know you don't like me to mention his name. It was just a slip.
BERNARD: I don't like you to mention him at all. Or to hint at him in any way!
LUCIJA: I opened the door, and the one who carried the other has said his name was Alen and the other was not capable of introducing himself, so the first one told me the name. It's Martin… Actualy, that's the name Alen came upon, 'cause he haven't heard of any other, either… The little one is consionless since the fall. Alen asked where to put Martin…
BERNARD: And you, fool, told him to take the other upstairs!
LUCIJA: Sorry, but I was confused. I had no time to think. Subconsiousnessly, I was aware you were here, and you know allways the best, what to do with Martin, where should he go. That is, where should he be carried.
BERNARD: You should figure that out by yourself. Alan will now call the first aid. I hope we won't wait long for them.
Door opens. Enters Alen.
LUCIJA: Here he comes!
BERNARD: You 've been out for a long time. Did you reach them?
ALEN: I did. Not so easy, but I did.
LUCIJA: Was it busy?
ALEN: No. It's just more difficult to get long distance call.
LUCIJA and BERNARD: Long distance call?
ALEN: Yes. I am not from here.
BERNARD: Do you think an ambulance from your city can reach here faster than our local would?
ALEN: What for an ambulance? I called my mother.
BERNARD and LUCIJA: Mother?!
ALEN: I had to tell her I've arrived here O.K. Now she won't worry anymore.
LUCIJA: You are not quite sane!
ALEN (putting a hand into a pocket): How much I owe you for the phone?
LUCIJA (walking to the bed, looking at Martin): This one is still unconsiousness…
BERNARD: Bether so. His wails would annoy me.
LUCIJA: Someone has called the first aid at once.
BERNARD: (looking at Alen): But not the mother!
Alen frowns to Bernard.
LUCIJA: Who is going to call an ambulance?
BERNARD: Martin should call, when he comes back to his senses. He is the one who needs it, not me.
LUCIJA: Very funny.
ALEN: I'll call. What's the number?
BERNARD: No idea. I never needed them, and hope I never will.
LUCIJA: I don’t know, either. You should check up in the directory.
BERNARD (to Lucija): Find the number and call. Say hallo to doc for me, too.
Bernard walks to the door. Turns around and sends the kiss to Lucija.
BERNARD (reaching for the door): Ciao, sweety!
LUCIJA: What should that mean, Bernard?
BERNARD: As you see. I am leaving…
LUCIJA: Where to?
BERNARD: Home. To my wife and kids.
ALEN (to Bernard): Exscuse me but haven't you just said this was…
BERNARD: Nobody asked your opinion!
ALEN: If I am not at your house that doesn't give you the right to shout at me!
Bernard aims to hit Alen. Alen kneals on the floor, covering with both hands, protecting from the blow. But Bernard stops the hand in the middle of the move.
BERNARD: It's all your fault. Why did you have to come in our city? Walk by this house? See an ape on the tree? And pick him up!? Walk with him on your back in here, to disturb us? Did you have to?
Alen keeps on knealing. Bernard relaxes the hand. Lucija glances at each of them, one by the time.
BERNARD: Well, I don't care. That's none of my bussines. (grabs the door handle) Goodbye, everyone!
LUCIJA: Bernard!
BERNARD (stops, turns around): What do you want?
Alen stands up. Stares at them.
LUCIJA: When will you come again?
BERNARD: Never. (grabs the handle)
LUCIJA: Bernard, stop!
BERNARD (turns around): I stopped. But this is the last time.
LUCIJA: Bernard, we can continue where we stopped…
BERNARD: Infront of this peeping Tom? (looks at Alen) In front of this peeping Toms? (looks at Martin)
LUCIJA: That's not what I meant…
BERNARD: What did you mean?
LUCIJA: That's not what I meant… I tought about us at all…
BERNARD: Realy? Doesn't it least a bit too long?
Pause.
LUCIJA: O.K. I'll chase away those two. We will continue where we stopped. You don't have to take a shover…
BERNARD: But I want to take a shower. In my house.
Lucija stares perplexed.
BERNARD: Find somebody else. It won't be a problem, today. Specially to a girl like you, the way you look like. (grabs the handle again)
LUCIJA (crying): Bernard, how can I live without you?!
BERNARD: Like Scarlet without Rett. Wait for the new day. (opens the door)
LUCIJA rushes to the door. Stands infront of Bernard. Closes the door.
BERNARD: What should that mean?
LUCIJA: That you can't leave now.
BERNARD: And when can I go?
LUCIJA: When we clear the things up!
ALEN (approaches them): Please, let me out, so you can clear wathever you want, as much as you want it.
BERNARD: Let the man go, when he asks so politely!
LUCIJA: No way! So you can sneak away and run together with him! I 'm not so foolish!
BERNARD: What do you want from me?
LUCIJA: Sit down first.
BERNARD: I can stand as well.
LUCIJA: I recommand you to sit. Otherwise, your legs could hurt.
BERNARD: Even worse things happen. (looks at Martin) At least, I won't break one.
Alen starts to jiggle.
BERNARD (to Alen): What's so funny?
ALEN (stops to jiggle): Nothing, nothing at all. That 's just my nerves…
BERNARD: What a funny nerves… (to Lucija) What did you want? I don't have a lot of time…
LUCIJA: Don't you? But you planned to stay here the whole weekend!
BERNARD: I changed my mind.
LUCIJA (happy): You changed your mind?
Bernard laughs.
ALEN (to Bernard): You got nervous, too?
LUCIJA: Did you realy mean to leave me?
BERNARD: I am not going to leave you as long as you are stending on the door.
LUCIJA: Bernard, it won't go so easy. Do you know how long have we been together?
BERNARD: I don't want to confess infront of the witness.
LUCIJA (to Alen): Please, will you step outside while we talk?
ALEN: Gladly, but where?
LUCIJA (shows him): Get in this wardrobe closet.
Alen obeys, unlocking the cupboard first. Lucija locks it, after him.
LUCIJA: Bernard, you can't leave just like that.
BERNARD: Why not? I owe you nothing, and neither you do to me. We don't have to divorce thanks Lord.
LUCIJA: If Eduard would ask for divorce, I wouldn't blink my eye. I'd accept at once. Cool. No, realy, I'd be overvhelmed with joy!
BERNARD: I don't mind you being happy, even less overvhelmed with joy!
LUCIJA: … But you… That's something else. With you I can't be so careless. It's not same with you. Do you understand? I've been loving you, I love you still (cries). No, I couldn't survive that!
BERNARD: Stop sniweling!
LUCIJA: I'll never give you divorce…
BERNARD: Divorce? What divorce?
LUCIJA: I don't want you to leave me. Never… Do you understand? Never!
BERNARD: I do understand what never means. Never say never again… But I am in a hurry! (pushes LUCIJA, opens the door and jumps out)
His footsteps are heard. Lucija stares at the open door.
LUCIJA (looks at the cupboard): He'll be back any minute. (takes the key out of the pocket, closes and locks the door) Never will I let him come back!
ALEN (from the cupboard): Can I get out now?
LUCIJA (stares at the door): He'll beg me on his knees. He is not the only one. I've been his fool long enough!
Footsteps.

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